Mistake. Does this word itself give you a cringe?
I was speaking to one of our clients who was taking a long-term personal coaching engagement.
She would always tell me that I over-prepare, overthink, and overanalyze because everything may go wrong if I am short of making my efforts.
I asked her, Do things never go wrong after over-preparation?
She said they do.
But at least I can minimize the probability.
Then we explored the costs she is paying by trying to mitigate everything that could go wrong in her life.
1) Her relationships were suffering. She was so focused on getting everything right that her family left her. Everyone was overwhelmed and walking on eggshells around her.
Everything had to be planned in a whiteboard.
2) She could not get promoted at work. She was afraid to try anything new because all her time would go into perfecting what she had in her hands.
3) Her relationships at work were suffering because she couldn't see things from a larger perspective. All she could do was hold on to her opinions tight, thus kicking anything new or innovative out of the window.
4) Her personal growth was stunted. She never had enough time for herself. She has forgotten how to live or just be happy.
How does this fear start? A few examples,
1) You were shamed or belittled or made feel small as a child when you made mistakes.
2) You were made fearful that you would not be accepted, or loved if you made mistakes.
3) You were made feel inappropriate inadequate or not good enough for making mistakes.
4) You are given silent treatment if you make mistakes.
5) You are only appreciated when you do things perfectly.
You see, all these efforts are made to get love, but people don't see that are killing the love ourselves and then they cry and crib,
'Why am I not loved?'
What does this fear lead to in an adult?
1. Perfectionism:
Always striving to do better is a very good quality.
However, if you tend to kill yourself for not reaching some unrealistically high standards. That's Perfectionism. No matter how well you do, there will always be some flaw that can be found, making the day or performance fall short of perfection.
Perfection is an impossible goal. You will spend your life feeling dissatisfied, disappointed, and inappropriate. You only live a tunnel vision life.
2. Negative Self-Image:
Analysis is good. But getting stuck in over-analysis because of fears says more about you. It is a defense mechanism to protect yourself.
Imagine if you get too stuck with only the negative side of Analysis.
Would you really do anything if you knew the results were going to be negative only?
Leading us to our third point.
3. Procrastination:
Perfectionists automatically turn into procrastinators. They would not start anything because they may fail and then they do, they would get so engrossed in one thing that they would miss 99 other things happening in life.
Did you learn everything in your life till now without making mistakes?
As a child, She was told:
1) You won't be able to do it.
2) You can never get it right.
3) You always ruin things instead of doing them perfectly.
My client was living a ROBOTIC Life. She shunned her EMOTIONS because she thought that emotional people make mistakes!
But then it took her 4 to 5 sessions to even come to terms with the point that we all are emotional beings. She never imagined, that without her emotions, her life actually sucked!
Have you ever thought, When you focus too much on making things perfect, when would you live?
Humans make mistakes. Only Machines don't.
Isn't it easier to close the doors of your emotional side so that you are never distracted?
So that you can get everything right?
& yet you realize, while trying to save something, ALL was LOST.
Life doesn't run based on logic and analysis only. That's a small part of our life. The whole reason for being human is that, we CAN realize that life is much bigger than that. There are much larger things at play.
Pain is one part of our emotions. It is not bad. All our emotions play a role. They're a major part of DECISION MAKING. Our Emotions are also part of our "Emotional Guidance System"
To become emotionally intelligent, we need to access our emotions first. Indeed go through the process of feeling all the painful emotions, and process them.
So that we can then see them as our friends guiding us through life.
Only logic won't take you far in life. Emotional Intelligence would. And an emotionally intelligent person is aware of not repeating old mistakes and is also not afraid to feel, make new mistakes as well as learn from them.
How to overcome perfectionism?
Step 1: Become aware of your patterns, fears, and insecurities behind them.
What are the things this trait is trying to shadow?
What are your trapped emotions?
What triggers this trait in you?
Step 2: Go deeper and contemplate the root cause.
How did you get here?
What is your core belief system around things?
From where did you get that belief system?
Step 3: Heal the Past Wounds, Rewire your Belief System
Bring closure and take ownership
Heal the masculine & feminine wounds passed to you
Practice and adopt a new belief system that serves you
We have made this work easy for you.
We have created our Healing Journey for the same, and it covers all of these steps in complete depth.
It will help you resolve issues related to any of these areas:
Relationship challenges
Interpersonal Relationship challenges
Workplace Relationships
Money
Career
Self-Image
Confidence
Perfectionism/Procrastination
You can do this journey on your own. However, We recommend you take this journey with the help of a facilitator guiding you through the process and listening and customizing the journey according to your issues.
To do it on your own, Check here.
Book a Clarity Call here to work with a facilitator or get more clarity on your issues.